21st CENTURY LOVE
I recently broke up with my girlfriend, well she actually broke up with me but it sounds better to say I broke up with her. It suggests that I didn’t spend hours crying by myself. Few months into the break up I decided to go on Tinder, you know to evaluate my value on the dating stock market. Let the analysis begin. What affects the dating stocks nowadays? Funniness, hotness, honesty, cuteness, badassness. I am ready to be whoever society deems attractive. No but seriously my problem with tinder is that I don’t get what this stuff really is about. I go on it as if I am going grocery shopping, looking for the love of my life the same way I look for tomatoes on the supermarket. Nah Too big, too small, looks about to rot. Actually, I might be needing eggplant for a change? Until the moment I realise that I am someone else’s tomato (or eggplant), and when I don’t get any matches I start understanding the kind of tomato I am. So I close the fuckin app and put my whole life into perspective, you know just because some 20 year old girl didn’t like my damn face. 2 days on Tinder end-up costing me 2 years of therapy basically. I start hating online dating, I start hating the Internet. So I go the old fashion way. I go to a bar. I spend the night looking at girls and judging them by their looks until I realise its less creepy to do it online. So I shamelessly download tinder again. Another problem I have with tinder is that I take that app too seriously. Spoiler alert, you don’t go to Tinder for the love of your life, I did not know that. But I did take it seriously, really. Like my mom probably won’t like this girl so I swipe left kind of serious you know. When I look at the picture I develop in my head a certain fucked up sense of judgement: humm this one looks pretty but I don’t think she would raise our kids the right way, or humm this one looks like a loving mother but probably won’t sleep with me on the first date. I basically become schizophrenic which end up in me never swiping right and never getting matches, meaning being back to square one, doubting myself as a person. But hey at least I can do it while shitting right?
SNOOZE LIFE
In life everyone has regrets, but like major life regrets you know, like I should have travelled more, I shouldn’t have majored in science in high school, I shouldn’t have gone through 11years of uni to become a doctor just to please my dad. Well Arabs and Asians can relate here. I understood at an early age, meaning last year when I turned 27, that to live a happy life, I have to live without regrets. But the truth is, no matter how hard I try not to have regrets, I end up getting them. Some are more serious than other, like regretting to snooze my phone for 2 hours. Do you ever do that? Like the alarm on your phone rings, you wake up, you give it a shady look as if you were not expecting it, as if you were not the one who set it up the night before? Now starts the dilemma of your life, wether you are gonna snooze or not. In reality, the dilemma is wether you are gonna lie to yourself or not: « Just 5 more minutes, I just need those 5 minutes. » Because, sleeping 8 hours isn’t enough to feel rested but 8h and 5mn are. Yeahhhh sure. Most of the times you are an honest person, but not today you’re not, not at 8 in the morning. So you chose to lie to yourself and snooze it. 5mn later it rings again, you wake up, you give it another weird look and in your head you’re going: « What the actual actual fuck. I literally just closed my eyes, like half a second ago». Now you are thinking: « this didn’t feel good at all, I am not feeling more rested than I was half a second ago, I know what I need! 5 more minutes! ». At that very moment, you know you just screwed yourself, deep inside, you know it but you choose to lie to yourself, once again. Behold the viciousness of the vicious 5 minutes circle. 2 hours later, you wake up, having done that 24 times and ready to go for another 24. Now, your one and only hope of getting out of that misery, of breaking that damn circle is, a full bladder. So, yes, I do have silly regrets like that. A bunch of them, like regretting all those times I took breathing for granted whenever I catch a cold. Or regretting not taking that moldy dish out of the fridge two weeks ago when it still looked decent, now I am 1 day away from throwing the fridge by the window. Or regret that last sip of water before bed when I wake up at 3 am to pee. Or regret that small change I left at home because I thought I won’t need it. Another vicious circle that results in me having 100 euros in 10 cents every month and having to decide in which shop I am going to shame myself to get rid of them. Basically my life is filled with those small silly regrets but hey at least I didn’t become a doctor right.
